FLUCTUATING HOPE
Fluctuating Hope - Episode 4
Written By Amah's Heart. & Blessing
Three days later,
I watched as my mother came back home dejected and tiredly sat down on my hard bed
As I sat beside my mom on the bed, I needed no soothsayer to tell me that the news she brought along was bad news but I still wanted to hear them especially if it involves the loan she went out this morning to apply for and if possible get it
Frankly, I had so much hope on the loan money, I mean who wouldn't be?
When that's the only surviving hope I held unto to be an avenue and a stepping stone for me to be able to return back to school, but then I have passed through worst times of disappointments which has emotionally prepared me for the worst! I inwardly thought
" What happened this time around mom? Is it that the loan you applied for was denied?" I asked and my mother nodded in the opposite direction
" It isn't that Debby!" My mother counters and I heaved in obvious relieve but still probed further
" If it isn't that then what? Why are you looking this way? or is it that the uncle Jerry you also went to see today to solicit for his help disappointed you?" I asked and my mother nodded in the affirmative
" Yes he did but that isn't the only actual reason I am sad Debby!" My mother said and I raised an eyebrow out of curiosity on what she meant
" Well mummy me Debby is not a magician so I won't possibly know why you are actually sad until you open your mouth and tell me what it is" I said shrugging and then continued before she could say something
"...and as for uncle J God knows that I am not surprised at his refusal to help.. he is a stingy man and mentally he is almost like daddy although his own is far better since his children are actually in their respective schools.. For uncle J regardless of what he thinks about female education he still allowed and financially supports them in their decision to attain a degree and be an educated graduate" I expounded looking at my mom
" You're right but I don't know for your father.. he is just too difficult, once his mind is made up it is made up! " My mother said and I asked a question I have always been intending to ask but had no courage to do so until today
" Mummy at times I just didn't understand how you had cope with daddy all this years.. I mean verbally he is so abusive towards you, always calling you an illiterate, an idiot, a fool and many other repulsive names.." I said, paused and then continued
"..in terms of attitude mom he doesn't treat you as a loving husband should, always finding faults in all you do and never listens to you as his wife which has landed him in so many unfortunate situations.. is it in terms of fidelity? Mummy we the children know for a fact that Daddy was never faithful to you until the time he lost his job hence his salary money was no longer forthcoming to maintain such lifestyle.."
"..yet he is so overprotective of us his daughters and doesn't want us to get close, relate or even talk to the opposite sex.. and to imagine that he keeps telling me and sister Amah that he wants us to get married now, mom doesn't it usually sound funny to you?!" I asked smiling in amusement, it wasn't funny but I do find it amusing at times
" Debby in those days females like myself were taught that all men are polygamous in nature, as far as he doesn't physically abuse me it is okay.. and for your question; actually I wouldn't have married your father if I had variety of choices but unfortunately for me, females weren't given much choices of a husband.. back then I regretted marrying him but not anymore, since our marriage had undeniably gave me your elder sister Amah, you Debby and your other siblings Bella, Kemi, Daniel and Zach" my mother emotionally expressed and I nodded my head in understanding
" I understand mummy but then if you think about it the opposite way.. I think if you hadn't married daddy then I wouldn't be here suffering and evaluating my life all the time as though I am a scientist" I said and my mother bursted out laughing before replying
" You know that you such a silly girl right? So you would prefer not existing because of our present predicament?"
" I know right but to me inexistence is actually better than existence in some cases, I think that's why abortions are on the high rate these days... anyways that aside, mummy you haven't yet told me why you were sad or is it that personal that you want to keep it solely to yourself?" I asked and my mother heaved heavily before responding
So far, I am my mother's favourite child amongst her six children and also her confidant, that's why she barely hides things from me and I also find it difficult to hide things from her
" It's the loan I went to get Debby, it won't work out because of the procedures involved... registration fee is about twenty thousand naira and the loan organization needs to come check out the kind of business you do to be rest assured that you are qualified for the loan to be given out.." my mother expounded and paused to take a break but as an upcoming amebo I took it up from where she stopped
" Let me guess mom, your small type of trading business doesn't meet the eligibility criteria?" I asked and she nodded in affirmation
" Yes Debby, it doesn't meet it so we can't get the loan" my mother dropped the bombshell
" Well even if it had actually met the eligibility criteria, I wonder where we would have actually gotten a whole twenty thousand naira from to pay for its registration.. that's still an hopeless course to begin with" I responded lightly giving my mom the impression that I was perfectly fine with the news but deep down I am bleeding and emotionally wounded
For Christ sake! Uncle Jerry and most especially the loan organization was my only hope but now it is shattered into a thousand pieces with no glue to hold it back together
God! Why does my hopes keep fluctuating and afterwards ends up in shreds?
God! Is this truly your plans for my life, for I Debby to just end up as a university dropout or maybe a future market woman who might oneday see her educated career coursemates and feel bad or ashamed of herself for being a dropout
I thought inwardly in pains and anger as I sat down quietly on my bed looking into space
Maybe my father suggested right, I should just get myself a husband, get birth to children, only to rely solely on marriage and watch my dreams completely shatter right before my eyes as my mother did hers
" Debby are you okay? you know you can share anything with mummy right? Please stop keeping it all in, it isn't good for one's emotional health so please let your feelings out!" My mother said touching my shoulder soothingly and as she looked at me with pain filled eyes, I bursted out in stiffled tears that was bottled in
I assumed that I was mentally strong and that nothing could emotionally get me affected not until after those words, I had completely broke down right in front of my mother
" It's okay Debby.. everything will be fine, I know that all you normally aren't as strong as you let out.. it's okay my daughter!" My mother said gently patting me on the back
" But why all this mummy? Why me all the time? Doesn't God know that all this disappointments and fluctuating hopes aren't what I like at all?" I asked rhetorically as I kept trying so hard to stop the tears from flowing down but I couldn't, instead it flowed more completely wetting the blue shirt I wore that evening
" Please it's okay Debby, you know how much I hate seeing you this way.. you know that if there is any other way to source for money, I will gladly do so even if it means working my life out.. I want you to go to school Debby, be educated, help me raise your siblings to high places, to be successful and fulfilled in your chosen career, that way you will gain your independence, confidence, choice and respect as a lady, something I was deprived of by my father simply because I was created as a girl child! I want education for you too Debby"
" Mummy that's easy to say but we both know that it is as impossible as the word itself!" I said sniffing and using my handkerchief to blow my nose
My mother heaved before giving her usual reply on faith
" I know and I completely understand how you feel but don't lose hope okay? I believe everything will be fine sooner or later! Just take a deep breath and by faith leave everything to God, lay it at his feet and watch him sort out all your problems"
" Sure mom that's what you usually say but then I think I know what to do to avert all this consolations and sermons.. well from now henceforth I will stop hoping or relying on anything, I am tired so it all ends here mom!" I said cleaning my tears as I have already made up my mind on my next big step
" Huh? Debby what do you mean by it all ends here? What are planning to do?" My mother asked but I kept mute without uttering a word to her whereas my heart screamed out loud
" I am planning to suspend studies on Monday mom!"
Yes! for real that's what I am planning to do next
I'm tired! God knows I really am so tired! I'm tired of seeing my mother suffer the stress too
God knows that I don't want to hurt her with my words or actions but I can't help it anymore, I'm tired of all this
I no longer want to stress my mother anymore, she has done a lot for me and I think it's best I relieve her of the troubles and worries by suspending studies
Probably I will make do with whichever option life throws at me, it's the best I can do for her.
My mother stayed quietly beside me for a while before she left me alone to my thoughts when the silence from me became deepening and she saw that as a young adult I needed to be left alone for now.
(Do NOT take credit or plagiarize)
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